Sunday, October 26, 2014

Not just another blog post

Some bloggers don't share enough and some share too much. I tend to retreat from my blog when things get difficult in my personal life because part of my healing process is (regretful) over sharing. This is why you may have noticed the many posting hiatuses over here at Rockland Mother over the past few years.

So, here I am again after another hiatus and, forgive me as I'm going to forgive myself, but this is one thing I feel I need to over share: I am getting divorced.

Ugh. Its really painful to write that for all the world to see. Though over half of marriages fail these days, we of course never imagine we'll find ourselves in this terrible predicament. We hear about celebrities getting married and divorced every day and it seems like cake; sign the paper, move on. But, really, it is so much more awful than that.

First, you beat yourself up and second guess yourself about all the things that you may have done wrong or could have done differently. And, honestly, you'll beat yourself up about these things long after the papers are signed. Even if you've tried most everything to save your marriage, there'll be a little voice that says "If I had just done everything he/she had wanted, maybe we could have stayed together and been happy!" Man, that little voice is an asshole.

Second, especially if you've been in a particularly tenuous situation for a long time, you may find yourself dealing with some anxious and/or sad emotions that truly and honestly suck. Some days you'll feel like you are ready to move on and take the bull by the horns. Other days, you'll try on your wedding rings or look through your wedding album and cry silently to yourself so that your kids don't hear. Each day is a surprise party of emotions that you may or may not welcome. Surprise! Your future will not turn out as planned! People around you will tell you to "get over yourself" or "just deal with it," and you won't be able to make them understand what it feels like to be just one when you were two.

If you have kids, be prepared for you heart to be torn into shreds on many different occasions. You will worry about them when they are not with you. You will worry about them when they are with you but are missing the other parent. You will worry about what their future will look like as children of divorced parents (i.e. you will have nightmares of them ending up in prison.) You will find yourself overcompensating for the parent who can not or does not want to be there.

Your children may say things to you like "I wish mommy and daddy and my brother and me could be all together." And, even though you know that that scenario wouldn't be in anybody's best interest, you can feel your resolve slipping away. You'll want to run to the courthouse and rip up the papers. "Stop this ride! I want to get off!"

You'll look at the person you probably still love and you may try to be as nice as possible, but divorce brings out the ugly in people. You'll only be hurt again and again if you expect kindness to always come your way.

Oh, and if you're Catholic like me, you'll worry about your immortal soul.

Its sounds horrible, right? Well, its all this and maybe some more. BUT, I take heart from so many people who have survived this. They may be changed, but they still go on and, at this point, moving forward is the only way to go. I will let the little moments of happy sustain me until there's only mostly blue skies ahead. I will savor every little kiss and "I love you. I always want to be with you." from my little boys. I will sing when I like and I will try to remember that the Earth continues to spin.

Thank you for listening and, if you have been or are in the same spot, please know you are not alone. A little over sharing can sometimes make us feel better. I know I do now. xo


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